Insight

So, I've read a book called Amnesty and it has kind of helped me see how my mind and thoughts can really be a pain and totally wrong. Also watching Married at First Sight has truly helped me see how I sometimes am my worst enemy. Sometimes I think because I want something doesn't mean I need it. Just because I want it doesn't mean I really need it, but it will only aid in making my insecurity worse. I have to remember that I shouldn't let my insecurities of my past affect the relationships in my future or I might as well just end it before it begins. Every relationship is different and yeah you might get hurt or you might not, so why not start of with not getting hurt and just be. Getting hurt isn't the end of the world, I've come out every time fine. I've learned and grown and just one more thing to help my daughter or son later on when they get hurt. My heart and feelings all heal and its not fair to either people in a relationship if you are always thinking what if I get hurt.

So what if you get hurt, will you die no. Sometimes it might feel like you are dying but in the end you are still breathing, eating, drinking, and very much alive. Don't get me wrong I'm not perfect, I get scared to death and I worry but I try to remember all that I just typed. I try to think in the 3rd person giving myself advice I'd give someone else. Always easier said verses doing but I try. Some days I'm fine, sometimes I crash and burn, and other days I feel great. I try hard not to look for excuses or make up reasons to be upset or see this not working out. I'm trying not to think of a future and just be in the moment. Which is hard for me because I've always been a person who thinks of the future. Not just in relationships of a boyfriend but with friends my kids everyone who I want in my life. Not that Superman is my boyfriend because I don't know what we are. I don't know if we are just two people talking or if we are something more. I'd like to know just because I am a one person kind of girl and I don't know if he is a one person kind of guy or if he even wants a girlfriend. I don't want to ask because I don't want to push something that really isn't a big deal right now. We have only been talking since November and I am trying really hard to take this slow. I know it has been a problem in my past where I rush things and I move faster than I should. So this is so very new to me and I am trying to adjust.

I don't think I could have picked a better person to take things slow with. I don't know if Superman knows fast, or maybe he has just come to a point in his life where slow is the only gear that is best for him. He's been single most his life he said and I've been in relationships a lot of my life and I have a lot of hope. Not necessarily to me married but that isn't ruled out but just that we could have a great time together. Who knows maybe it could end up with a happily ever after or it could not. I'm just excited to see what will happen. He is such a sweet guy and he has a lot of traits I really am drawn to and I want in my other half. It felt really natural when I met him and that was something that I was hoping would be but I wasn't sure and didn't know it would be that way until I did meet him. It was a great first meeting and everything was really great which was pleasant surprise after what I've been through prior to meeting Superman. I think it is funny, I love Batman but I think that is the type of guy I've usually gone for and I think that is the problem. I don't need a Batman I need a Superman and right now I think I truly have found a Superman. Whether or not he will want to be my Superman we will see. I'm happy and I'm excited for everyday to see what happens.

Bebs!