The Start

So here we go. Always have to start somewhere. Sometimes we don't have a clue to where we are to start with but none the less you must start. So new start to a new life even though it almost feels like I've already been in this situation for the last 5 years but now it is official. So I'm a single mom, I finalized my divorce last year. It wasn't an easy choice but it was one that I needed to make. I wasn't happy and whether or not he wants to admit it he wasn't truly happy either he was just comfortable. I don't blame him, I mean he went to work, he came home to a family and dinner. He'd come home from work and go sit down and drink beer in his living room while me and the kids were in the other living room. It wasn't the relationship we had talked about and it wasn't the way in which I wanted to be raising our kids. So I finally got to the point where I realized I was "insane" (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). I wanted my kids to see a different model of marriage and a different parenting system then the one we currently had. We tried for 10 years but I think we both just did too much damage to each other to safe us. So I made the hard choice and I ended what was about to be 10 years of marriage.

You know the funny thing is I got a lot of advice from people. Like why didn't you pick a better time? Why now? I thought you would have done this at other times. But you know what, life is just that it is messy. You can't plan out when you are going to finally realize its over or that you are brave enough to take the next step. Maybe the last straw that broke your back wasn't the big fight everyone seen. Maybe it wasn't anything like that but the realization that you had given up and what kind of relationship is that if you've given up on it. Would I have loved to have done it better? Yes, would I have preferred for things to have happened differently? Of course, but you know what it isn't like there is a guide to life. If there was we'd all have read it and be in our perfect worlds. Do I wish I could have saved us the hurt and pain? Well duh, just because I no longer wanted to be married didn't mean I hated him or wanted to see him hurt. I just couldn't sacrifice myself any more. I needed to be able to be me again, find me again, and maybe find someone who can be a part of my life.

You might be asking why the heck is she saying all this? Well that's because I'm a talker. I like to communicate and learn from myself and others. I highly believe it is important to express someone's feelings so people can better understand you better or maybe not feel so alone. I need to get things out in the open and this is one of the best ways in this day and age. I'm not ashamed of my mistakes or the choices I've made. I'm trying to live my life and while I do that I am also learning. This blog is going to be all kinds of stuff. Sometimes it might make sense other times you may have no idea what I'm talking about and that is okay because in the end I'm just getting stuff off my mind so maybe it will not spin round and round in my mind keeping me up or simply driving me crazy.

So if you read this well... I hope you either find some entertainment from it, laughs, maybe not feel alone, or maybe some insight. So welcome to the wonderful and crazy life of me!